The world from your eyes..

I feel a little tingle on my feet,
and I look under the table
to find you lost in your little world
Did I disturb you?

You look up and give me a coy smile...

How do you spot these little things that my eyes fail to see,
A strand of black thread
Lying on the carpet
And you jump at it with excitement
like its a shiny toy...

You grab everything you can lay your hands on
and put it in your mouth..
Your feet , my hands - who cares!!
You act like everything is dipped in honey.

You cry when the nurse gives you a shot
And then smile the next minute when she talks to you..

Now, if I could see the world from your eyes - little one.
Wouldn't every day be treat to live.

work?

I am looking for a job though half-heartedly. I had planned to get back in the saddle once sona was 6 mths. And this was the conversation I had with my husband.

I am not sure how would things be, I mean I am not sure if I "really" want it/ Yes a year back i would do anything for it...Yeah "anything". But today- I am not so sure

Hubby: "hmmm, why??"

Me: "I want to be with Sona"

hubby: "Is that the only reason?"

Damn !!! Are u reading me like a book.

Me:"Thats one of the reasons"

Me: " Its been quite a while too, and I feel like i have lost the edge "

To myself: I am nervous..thinking about Solilos blog: What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail
And this post by A Muser again gets me thinking. Yes i can so relate to every word.
And yet that was what i had wanted for so long and I am not so sure now.

Yet, I  shall figure out what I want in a while.

The Kite Runner

I was flipping channels and saw this airing..
The book had been on my 'to read' list for way too long, so decided to watch the movie before reading..
I was glued to the seat, though I am not sure how much justice was done to the book by the movie..

It is about a friendship between two kids transformed to akwardness due to guilt.. and how desperate one of them gets to part ways..
And then it is about loyalty- a loyalty the does not question the facts at all, a loyalty that lasts a lifetime.
And how life brings things that one wishes to bury, back in the forefront staring in your face.
You run away from things once but can you run again?

all this is told in the backdrop of political unrest..how people stoop to levels unimaginable in such times, when preachers are the ones who commit the most gruesome sins..
and you ask can there be a happy ending? is there hope?
Grab a copy or watch the movie...

Weekend Jitters??

we have been planning a weekend getaway...
everything is finalized now.. and here I get anxious about traveling with the little one...

And no I dont think i am over-stressed...
well for this 'small' weekend getaway- we have

• a 2 hrs drive to the city airport ( well ...I stay in a small town)
• a 1 hr connecting flight
• a 3 hr wait for final flight
  
• 2 & 1/2 hr flight to the destination city

EIGHT & HALF hours!!!! phew...i just realised that its this long while writing the post & breaking down the time :(((.... I hadn't factored in the waiting time earlier & i still have not added the usual check in time omg..

& a Rerun on monday

I dont know how will I manage it...
It will be a prelude to the India trip in waiting..
and I ask myself, is it worth it? . Hope it is...

What do I tell you...

What do I tell you...
What do I tell you...

When I see where I stand
in your eyes..
it hurts me so...

But what do I tell you...
What do I tell you...

You are too busy to even notice
Me staring at you..
Wondering
What has changed..

Where is that yesterday's
yearning in your eyes...

How did it get replaced with a blankness
that I just fail to understand

What do I tell you...
What do I tell you...

When I know that
My words matter no more
than a buzzing sound...

Oh that time!, when you waited with bated breath
to hear my voice, if for a few minutes
to see me, if for a glance

Where has that time flown away
and when did you become a stranger again...

and now here I am
and I search for words...
and fail to get them..

what do I tell you !

daggers..

Sometimes they are like daggers
Piercing you through and through
Sometimes they are a lullaby
Soothing you too

They can lift your spirits
Or they can dump you down
in the pits

There are some
That you wish linger for the rest of your life
and then there are those
that you wish you had
the power to forget
And yet...

Why dont people care enough
To choose the right words

And they claim to have spoken the truth
But I sigh
Of what value is that truth
when you do not know how it be told?

There are some who
trade truth for someones tears
And then there are those who
dont mind trading lies
for someones smiles

(PS: Indyeah: I remember your post on words.. I guess your words lingered with me too..
hmm ur words left a trail of thoughts)

Changes that Motherhood brings

Smitha tagged me to list 5 things I love about being a Mother...

Mummy - hmmm, a word that gave a cozy feeling whenever I got in a mess as a kid.. And I still feel the same.
A hug from her and all would be okay. She would shout and scold and the next minute pamper :)
....
And I am in her shoes now. And Man, it sure is tough walking in her shoes...Oops- Woman, it is tough walking in your shoes.
There are times when I wonder if I will be anywhere close. and then sometimes when I know for certain that I will be pretty close, and then again there are those when I think no one can ever be as good.

Life has changed ...The way we live life has changed.
We were like nomads - living off the suitcase, cant do that now-rather dont want to do that now.
I remember this couple we met through a common friend and we were going for a picnic at the beach and asked them to join us. Their baby was a couple of months then, and the mom was soooo reluctant at the spur of the moment plan (the dad didnt mind, but the Mom was firm...)
And I thought they just had to pack a diaper bag and the beach was just an hour away after all, what is all the fuss about?..Well, I know now ..
Eeverything changes !!... haha I know avoiding beaches is not something that you would want to do, but the point is - priorities change.

Thats Motherhood...
hmmm...

It makes me realise not to take my mom for granted, though I still do it often.
And I have begun to miss ma terribly, now that she has gone back after a two month stay...
(smitha: that is the first thing that comes to my mind too- never to take parents for granted)

Makes me extremely patient (at times) and protective..

Grounds me...makes me emotional...

Makes me forget everything else when I see my sunny boy smile - a half - smile ;) And i smile back.

Makes me forget that I am a mom when he is asleep, but when I hear him cry, he is the world and everything else is just a background.

(didnt think i could pinpoint 5, but here they are.)

Love and Trust

Love& Trust .. The two pillars of any relationship..

Can one exist without another? Yes I think so..And here I am not talking about Trust on a broader perspective, am not talking about loyalty, but it could be trusting the other persons decisions - right or wrong, respect for the other persons space.., trusting the person to stand up for you...

There can be some people whom you trust blindly with your darkest secrets and yet not like their ideologies, or outlook on certain things that you feel strongly about. You may respect them but not really like them.

Then there are some whom you love for no apparent reason, yet when it comes to trust, you have a question mark.

Shouldn't Trust ideally be a subset of Love...but then is there 'an ideal relationship' ;) ? I guess not..

If you were to compromise on one aspect in a relationship, what would you choose, a little less love or a little less trust?

I am a Mommy !!!!

Hard to digest...getting used to it....
When my hubby tells the baby "heres mommy", i look behind me for my mom, and then realise he is talking about me :)

But how did it feel like when i first saw my lil one...Actually i heard him before i saw him...And had tears flowing when i heard his first cry and one sweet nurse just kept wiping the tears..

and then they cleaned him up and the sewed me up before bringning us together..
How did i feel then when i saw him.. I dont know how i felt..or rather cant describe it yet..it was an animal like instinct though..a feeling without any reason...just there -completely bare..yet so hard to wrap in words.

Fragile...

Why do some relationships require
you to prove yourself time and again...

While some are just there waiting
To embrace you with open arms,
To forgive you of all the wrongs of the past..

They judge you for what you are,
and not what you did or didnt do.

Why are some relationships so fragile
that you want to take good care so they dont crack..
And the next minute you wonder
why arent they strong enough for you not to worry

Is it just so to make us realize
not all can be taken for granted..

that level is just for a few..

And then you thank God
that atleast there are those some
that you can reach out to, no matter the distance..
no matter the time, no matter the last conversation
no matter what the emotional balance was once due..

The Pink Chaddi Campaign...

Its so good to see this campaign by The Consortium of Pubgoing, Loose and Forward Women being mentioned all around. It sure has worked. :)
Initially like many others even I thought it was a little over the top.

But this post by Indyeah is an answer to all our questions. Afterall its a symbol. A colour considered feminine.... she compares it to choodis or bangles...She says "....When in rural India women send a man a bunch of 'choodis'(bangles)to a man they detest,it is a symbolic protest.They are aware that bangles are not docile or feminine,they know that they, the women have strength unlike any man....and yet they send the choodis to the man to make him feel humiliated to make him feel inferior.Chudiyaan ,they symbolize the ultimate humiliation for a man in India and question his err...manhood....He is as good as called an impotent.That is the message sent by rural women."

Read this article on Times of India: Mangalore Mayor serves legal notice to Renuka Chowdhury

What Ms. Chowdhury was so absolutely right!!
WTF.... Ram sena has been given the "RIGHT" to trample over all the rights of All WOMEN. And the only political leader who has the guts (or shouldi say B***s which others lack) to criticise is being served a legal notice. This is the most ridiculous thing.

Also read this article -Girl commits suicide after alleged humiliation.
And I am surprised that no case has been booked against the Sangh parivar activists. Rather have not read any news that.
You know till a few months back i was living in world of wonderland, thinking thatwomen have come a long way. But I see all this and ask" Have We? " or are we going backwards in time..
How many more such battles do we have to fight. And all on our own. Feels like the words "Law & Order" have completely lost their meaning in the hands of politicians.

Wish that there were Special courts for handling cases involving politicans and a specific timeline within which the verdict shall be given. Afterall its our tax money right.

An incident recollected..- A father's gift

There was this uncle me and my mom met last year when I was in India and we were traveling to Bhopal . Uncle was going to Delhi.

And my mom has this habit of sleeping for hours at a stretch in the train. She gets up only for meals. And I just put a blanket around her and began to read a magazine.

Uncle notices this and says "Only a daughter does this."
But I didn't quite agree as I knew that if dad was traveling with us, he would have done the same. In fact then, I would have been asleep too. :)
And he says " No- I am only comparing a daughter and a son. Not talking about how a father or a husband would have acted"
Another passenger who was listening to our conversation chips in and says " Yes ! I have a daughter and son, and I can say you are right"

"Well, there are exceptions" - I say thinking about one or two guys I knew whom I could imagine acting precisely like the way I did.

1st uncle:" I am not talking about exceptions "
(I just wanted to agree with him and end the conversation and get back to my magazine )
I smile and turn back to read.

"Do you have a brother ? "
Me: "No, a sister"

Uncle smiles "I have 2 daughters too, and I have taught them and my wife self defense. They can operate a gun. I have two licensed pistols "
(And, by now I have put my magazine aside )
I look at him wondering how much of this conversation do i discount.

He says " I am a retired army man you see.." (well- he actually didn't say armyman. He mentioned his rank, which I dont quite recall. My apologies for not remembering )

"...and i was posted at all different locations. They stayed back for studies. I just wanted them to be able to take care of themselves"

"Oh !" I smile impressed

And I think what a stark contrast. There are two army men I encountered en route on a train at different points in time and such a drastic difference. Will talk about the other army guy some other time though. (Afterall, this is this uncle's story)

I was so totally impressed with uncles way of thinking and in awe :)

My only self defense (back when i was in college) when I saw some guys following & eve-teasing on the roads, was to go via the police station route. Everyone just vanished before the last turn :)
But today I guess a formal self defense training, or a pepper spray is what we need to ward off people who pose threat to our freedom.

We need people to empower their daughters to take on this world. We need many more such uncles.

Tagged....

Indyeah Tagged a few of us to tell more about ourselves with the help of Pics :)
So here goes...

1.Your age on your next birthday
hmmm...the cake refused to take any more candles long ago :)

2. A place you’d like to travel to
has to be Kashmir, went there as a kid. Would like to go again

3. Your Favorite place
Nothing Beats home, does it? :)

4. Your favorite food/drink


Dosa
&

Samosas

&


& Chai, chai , chai, Chaiiiyyaaa.. Garma garam Chaiya..
As they sell it on railway station :)

5. Your favorite pet
Hmmm... favourite pet ??

haha.. Not too fond of pets..

6. Your favorite color combination

7. Your favorite piece of clothing

Comfy Jeans :)

8. Your all time favorite song

Jab koi baat...

9. Your favorite TV show:


Hey Indyeah, even I Love Dr. House
his way of deducing a diagnosis is so unique..

I also like NCIS

10. Full name of your significant other
Well, does it matter? Afterall a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet ;)

11. The town in which you live

Currently..Middle of nowhere !!

12. Your screen name/nickname:

13. Your first job

14. Your Dream Job

15: Bad Habit you have

16. Your fear:

Heights & Rides !!

17. The one thing you would like to do before you die

Confess, I guess :(

18. The first thing you’ll buy if you get $1,000,000

Yipppeee, Vacation...........

19.Your favourite credo in life.:)

"Dont take life seriously because you cant come out of it alive" - Warren Miller

And now whoever reads this is tagged :)

yesterday v/s today

This post by Alankrita is so true..

Yesterday : It irritated me when these people came from US for a vacation and cribbed about everything...I just couldn't stand them. would glare at them and ask why did you come here for a vacation?
Today: Sadly, I wonder if I would be one among them

Yesterday: One of the first things i wanted to check with my then prospective husband was "hopefully you are not planning to settle in US" And his response was no, Of course not - But I plan on working there for a while...
Today: My question: How long is a while?

Yesterday: One year of struggle with myself for the choices ' I ' made.. Well, It was my choice to leave it all back there and come here, rather than stay apart for a while. So I had no one else to blame.
Today: The frustrations have kinda died thankfully, and I am more open to embrace a life different from the one I had planned but nevertheless good.

Yesterday: I saw kids here ( in early teens) and thought that they have lost their childhood too soon. and I always wanted to raise kids in India
Today: I see all these politicians and think we have lost our freedom too soon.

Shiv sena/ MNS curbing our freedom to live in any part of India, telling us that UPites are different from Maharashtrians, telling us how to brand our business in a way that pleases them..
I see Ram sena telling us what to wear, not only that - forcing us in a way so pervert, it fills me with disgust.
I read about a man beating his wife in public for wearing jeans - for something that he does everyday!!!

I dont say women are not beaten here, sure they are- but atleast the cops dont hush it up as a family matter..

I see all this and think- Am i prepared to have my wings clipped? Am I prepared to be treated like dirt by some a** h***s defining for me what 'my' culture is...

Thank You Indyeah !!

Thank you Indyeah for " The Resonance Award"
Coming from you, it means a lot. I am humbled and honoured....
I admire the flow of words in your poetry, it just transports me sometimes back to yesterday and sometimes just starts a trail of thoughts. :)

I would like to pass this on to IHM for being an inspiration, someone I and many of us look up to; for raising topics that would have otherwise gone unnoticed.

To Smitha : for speaking your mind (and this post of yours was like a reflection of my mind as well.)

When a stranger makes u smile...

Last weekend we were lunching at an Indian restaurant. And there aren't too many Indian restaurants in the area .
As we entered there was this other person who was also entering.

He held the door for us (though it was a few seconds before we could actually reach the door). We thanked him and I wondered why would someone hold the door for a few seconds longer. Maybe he was someone we had seen at the Diwali get together party... Racked my brain, but neither me nor my hubby dearest could recollect. We assumed maybe we did see him there..

We were still munching away by the window... and we saw this person take his to-go meal and leave. He passed the window outside and my husband waved a bye to him.
This person stopped.... smiled.... pointed to the sky... then to both of us.... then his belly..and said such that we could read his lips "God... bless...you both .....and the Baby"

I was so touched. :) God bless him too... :)

Rarely do we get to see such acts wherein people just tell what they feel like ... with so much innocence & honesty even to a stranger.. And that moment becomes so indescribably beautiful.

there are moments when we all wish well, as they say " dua nikalti hai dil se" - but how many of us actually tell it out aloud..

He just made my day !!
God bless him !!